Just as clarification, if your definition of chivalry is the use of basic human courtesy, that's not what I'm talking about here. I'm referring to the type of chivalry that involves the expectation of men to pay the check, open the door, and tell their date how beautiful she looks. None of these things are dangerous in and of themselves, but the societal expectation of these things serves as what I've heard referred to as "benevolent sexism". That is an oxymoron. Think about the sorts of people you hold doors for: the elderly, the handicapped, young children; this is a courtesy in our culture that outside of chivalry, is reserved for the members of our society that we understand to be our social responsibility due to how vulnerable they are. The practice of the man paying the check for his female date is rooted in the traditional idea that women should be dependent on men for money, rather than earning it on their own. The part about superficial compliments is self-explanatory. Like I said before, none of these things are negative independently; open the door for someone because you get there first, pay for your date's meal because they paid for the last one, compliment your date because they look smokin' hot tonight and you know they spent forever on that hairdo, but don't do it because she's the girl and you're the guy. While these qualms might seem innocuous and petty, the real problem is that they distract people from the real problems! Women don't need free dinners, we need to make a dollar to a man's dollar instead of 77 cents. We don't need to be told we're beautiful, we need to live in a world where our value is not decided by our physical appearance. We don't need men to open doors literally as they close them metaphorically. Until our society realizes this, we as women will be passive accomplices our own oppression.
From the male perspective, I agree with every last point you made but, speaking from experience, it can be hard for a man to make the transition towards all encompassing equality. Chivalry is still upheld by society more than individual men. For the longest time I felt completely obligated to pay for every date and only recently stepped out of my comfort zone to let my girlfriend pay instead every now and then. Letting women pay, open doors, or even drive the car can take away a man's masculinity. I used to sympathize with this problem for men more, however this class has helped teach that the very concept of masculinity in itself is arbitrary. I just wish to point out that it is more likely for a man to do these belittling things for/to women because they're expected to and feel they must to retain their masculinity, not because they think a woman couldn't do these things themselves.
ReplyDeleteI am glad you brought this up, I think that you offer an interesting perspective. I understand that these can be constraining to men as well as women. While creating a feminist reality is the responsibility of all people, I did write this article as more of a call to action for women than a critique of men. I believe it is our responsibility to demand our own true equality in relationships, rather than waiting for men to adapt their behavior without our insistence. The last thing we need is to be dependent on men for one more thing in our lives.
Deletewhile i agree with your points especially about equal pay, ive got to say.. i really dont want to see chivalry die. Im not sure why, but i think a gentlemen is a very attractive thing.
ReplyDeleteWell put Caroline! I think that the best way to combat these archaic norms is to expose more men to feminism, so they can understand why this behavior is problematic and be more comfortable changing their behavior. What the best way to do this is, though, I don't know! Maybe it needs to start with women being more aggressive and comfortable with expressing what their expectations are for men.
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